


When Harry Met Frodo

by fourth_rose



Series: Crossover Crack [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 02:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10675437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourth_rose/pseuds/fourth_rose
Summary: Once upon a time, in a dingy little inn somewhere between the Undying Lands and King's Cross Station...





	When Harry Met Frodo

**Author's Note:**

> Back in 2007, I read that there'd been a poll about people's favourite movie adaptation of a popular book series. "Lord of the Rings" won, with "Harry Potter" coming in second place. That sent a bunny hopping in my brain, and guess what? It was on crack.

_A dingy little inn, somewhere between the Undying Lands and King's Cross Station._

_Frodo Baggins is sitting in a corner, nursing a pint of ale. He looks up when Harry Potter sits down at his table._  
  
Harry: Hiya.  
  
Frodo: Well met again.  
  
Harry: It's been a while, hasn't it?  
  
Frodo: Indeed it has. I see that growth spurt still hasn't happened, though.  
  
Harry: You're one to talk!  
  
Frodo: Hey, I can blame the forced perspective, what's _your_ excuse?  
  
Harry: My, aren't we bitchy today? And don't think I don't know you're bursting to gloat over that Book to Film Poll.  
  
Frodo: Wouldn't dream of it. What are you up to these days?  
  
Harry: Are we talking book verse or movie verse?  
  
Frodo: Who cares?  
  
Harry: Ten gazillions of rabid fans all over the whole wide web?  
  
Frodo: ...never mind. That wise old gay mentor of yours still dead?  
  
Harry: You expected him to get better or something?  
  
Frodo: All I'm saying is that you shouldn't take anything for granted with wise old gay mentors. I found out the hard way.  
  
Harry (rolling his eyes): Yes, yes, I know, everything is so much more hardcore where you're from.  
  
Frodo: I can't help it if our baddies are way more impressive than yours.  
  
Harry: Your Dark Lord was a bodiless _eyeball_.  
  
Frodo: And yours came with a cauldron and a "just add water" label.  
  
Harry: You won't go around bragging about orcs once we break out the zombies, mate.  
  
Frodo: Pfft. When was the last time you had a cursed wraith coming after you? From the _sky_ , I might add!  
  
Harry: Just because dragons and Dementors come separately in my universe doesn't mean they're less scary!  
  
Frodo: O rly?  
  
Harry: At least I'm actually able to _use_ my fancy magical sword! I don't just squeak when it glows blue and wait for the scruffy manly hero to rescue me!  
  
Frodo: You're just bitter because no scruffy manly hero ever came for _you_.  
  
Harry: Ha! I had a scruffy manly godfather!  
  
Frodo: Yes, and he got eaten by a piece of furniture.  
  
Harry: Well, yours got _married_.  
  
Frodo (blanching): Bastard. Wait if you'll still be this cocky once they've decided that they will indeed film the epilogue too.  
  
Harry: They'd have to find an eleven year-old who's shorter than Dan Radcliffe first, so I'm not terribly worried.  
  
Frodo: On the other hand, Tom Felton shouldn't have any problems with the receding hairline bit.  
  
Harry: I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  
  
Frodo: Yes, that's what I thought too before Khazad-dûm. Oh, and I wanted to remind you, you _really_ need prettier elves. Ours can be a pain in the ass too, but at least they're a sight for sore eyes.  
  
Harry: Hey! Dobby was a hero!  
  
Frodo: He got the part when Smeagol refused to wear mismatched socks! Besides, wouldn't you rather have been rescued by a strapping tall blond in tights?  
  
Harry: DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT TALL BLONDS, OKAY?  
  
Frodo: Sore point?  
  
Harry: Trust me, you want to watch your back around blonds. Especially if they have black eyebrows.  
  
Frodo: I thought _all_ blonds had black eyebrows.  
  
Harry: Eh?  
  
Frodo: Ever met one who didn't?  
  
Harry: Well, now that you mention it, no.  
  
Frodo: And the watching your back thing seems a bit harsh. I mean, Legolas isn't _that_ grabby.  
  
Harry: That's not what _I_ have heard.  
  
Frodo: You really should stay away from the filthy fanfic.  
  
Harry: You know who you're talking to, yes?  
  
Frodo: Okay, point taken. Don't overdo the sexing thing, though, you don't want to become known as the Boy Who Stripped.  
  
Harry: It's a bit late for that, I'm afraid. Besides, you're just pissed off because nobody slobbered over _your_ shirtless scenes.  
  
Frodo (wrinkling his nose): I'm a complex character, not a sex object!  
  
Harry: Well, I suppose if I had your flabby abs, I'd have to concentrate on the complexity of my character too.  
  
Frodo: I can totally see why your House is famous for its chivalry.  
  
Harry: Well, it's chivalry as in "bashing people's heads in", not as in "too polite to behave like trolls".  
  
Frodo: Change of topic NOW, please.  
  
Harry: Okay, no trolls then. Wanna talk about giant spiders instead? There was this freaking huge one I met in –  
  
Frodo: SHUT IT OR I'LL BREAK OUT THE CAPSLOCK FOR A CHANGE!  
  
Harry: As long as you don't start quoting Elvish again, I'm good.  
  
Frodo: That was the _Black Speech of Mordor_ , you dimwit.  
  
Harry: What do I know of languages? I'm not even allowed the proper plural of 'Horcrux'.  
  
Frodo: Well, my creator was a professor, and yours is blonde.  
  
Harry: Hey, why can you be stereotypically sexist like nobody's business, and I'm stuck with the pink girlpower menace? You got all the good sidekick lines for yourself, and I had to stand by while Miss McBrain –  
  
Frodo: I suppose it's because it would have been a bit awkward if _you_ had told your scruffy dogfather _If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill us too_. The only one I know who's capable of a line like that is a half-dead spindly creature who fondles jewellery.  
  
Harry: I thought that one was already fried to a crisp.  
  
Frodo: Oh, is it this late already? Then I guess I'd better leave.  
  
Harry: What, no soulful parting look from your huge blue eyes? Don't be like that.  
  
Frodo: Stop flirting with me! How often do I have to tell you I'm not into blokes?  
  
Harry: Riiiiight. Cuddled any sidekicks lately?  
  
Frodo: At least I was wearing a bit more than soaked underpants at the time!  
  
Harry: There's no need to get so defensive. Fine, I'll wait until you actually _look_ like you're over the age of consent.  
  
Frodo: Says the guy who uses mascara on his chest hair.  
  
Harry: At least I _have_ chest hair, Smoothie.  
  
Frodo: Okay, I've had enough now.  
  
Harry: Then why do you keep coming back here?  
  
Frodo: You wouldn't ask if _you_ ever had to listen to Legolas and Gimli bickering about upholstery patterns in a land where you can't even drop dead from sheer boredom.  
  
Harry: See you soon, then, I suppose.  
  
Frodo: As soon as Galadriel is PMSing again.  
  
Harry: _Seriously_ TMI, mate. Bye then – and don't go through _my_ exit again when you leave!  
  
Frodo: Who cares? It's not as if anyone ever noticed before.  
  
Harry: No, but painting a scar on your forehead with lip liner is a lot less hassle than making hair grow on my feet.  
  
Frodo: You've got a great big magic stick, wonder boy. I thought you were good with it?  
  
Harry: Whoever gave you that idea? All I'm good at is pointlessly wandering around in the wilderness with a redhead sidekick and not dying in spite of impossible odds. Oh, and looking pretty in a "lost puppy" kind of way.  
  
Frodo (rising): Harry, my friend? It _really_ doesn't matter which exit I take.

  
  
  



End file.
